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Photographing skateboarding is hard. I had no clue as to how hard when I first started. When you don't know the names of the tricks or how they are supposed to look it makes it even harder.  (Although, I have to wonder if it is even harder if you are a skateboarder. Would you be thinking "I can do that"? Or "I wish I could do that."? ) The action on the board means sometimes having to put yourself in spots that may be a little dangerous. I have had more than a few rogue boards come in my direction, some making impact. But as long as it isn't my face, I guess I won't complain! You never know what a skateboarder is going to do and sometimes they even change it up as they do it. I have learned to expect the unexpected and that sometimes what my idea for a great shot and what makes a great shot for a skateboarder are two different ideas. Always trust the skateboarder and what their vision for the shot is. If they think they can do it better, they will most d

Rising

2021 broke me harder than any other year in my life. More than when 5 year old me lost my dad. More than when 24 year old me lost my mother. More than when my marriage ended and I went on to make the biggest mistake of my life.

But the end of this year has wounded me more deeply than all of those combined. The fear, the worry, the upset, the secrets,  the being lied to and being lied about, it has all just snowballed.

But....

I will be damned if I carry that with me into a new year. I will cry myself to sleep every night until midnight on New Year's Eve if I have to in order to purge all of that out of me. On January 1, 2022 my life starts fresh. I will be reborn.

I am not doing this alone though. I have enlisted help. I am getting it from all sides. Birth chart readings. Energy work. Acupuncture. Every base I can cover, I will.

I am going into 2022 with a plan. I feel like a wall that has been hit by cars over and over and it is crumbling. The damage to it is just awful. So I had to knock it completely down to rebuild it. I have to remove the negative aspects of it all just so I can build something new, something pretty, something that nurtures my soul. No longer allowing perpetual liars to lie to me anymore. No longer allowing people's fake ideas of romance/love/friendship/situationship to interfere with my life and my happiness. If two people start a relationship with lies and omissions, that is all they have for their foundation. Relationships with that as their foundation are destined to be nothing more than more lies and more drama.

I have apologized to people. I will never apologize for those things again. I am not repeating those mistakes so they are going into my PAST folder. If someone offers me a sincere apology and never lets those things happen again then they can go into that PAST folder too. However, if they keep doing that it goes into their FUTURE folder and that means not allowing them to have a second of my time or my mind.

Most importantly, I am forgiving myself and letting my own baggage go. The landscape of my life is changing. Walls are crumbling. Buildings are burning down. Everything is at its worst. That is how it has to be for me to step aside and just let it happen.

365 days almost broke me to the point of not caring if I was here or not. 365 days of feeling like a failure and a bad person. 365 days was 365 days too many. I atoned for 365 days for what I thought were my sins. I atoned for 1,825 days for someone else's. My time of mourning and carrying this guilt and hurt are over.

2022 here I come with a sparkle in my eyes and a smile on my face. I am like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. Battles were fought. Lessons were learned. In order to rise, I had to fall. Life had to be painful in order for me to heal. And that journey to finding me and building a better life is underway. Everything is changing.



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